If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The cashier just checked me out.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.