I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Every photo I’m tagged in
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
They’re the worst 😩
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.