[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group