Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
😬
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”