I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*