I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
how to market bottled water to dads
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.