Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
You Might Also Like
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
lol
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
i did the math
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
incredible book dedication