I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You Might Also Like
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles