Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.