[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
idk what this dog had been going through but same
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.