ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I never needed anything more in my life
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Morning.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel