Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Don’t talk down to me
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?