Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot