You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m already scared
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.