Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person