I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.