The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
an airline just for babies.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often