me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something