in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Rather alarming headline…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES