SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance