My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You Might Also Like
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I have so many questions.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*