I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*