Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”