Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Try and stop me.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program