Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Owl Sanctuary
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done