ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.