Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
british sex workers really pound for pound
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to