[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
this is the greatest thing ever
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song