do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing