I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The three genders
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Monday
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.