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Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?