If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Sing it!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth