[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management