[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The Compass
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
peak technology
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that