Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.