Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.