“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?