I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
me doing my best
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
me adding lol on a serious message