*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Webb. James Webb.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
NASA has no chill
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Mmmm canned fish.