cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
You Might Also Like
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!