I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.