Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?