I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I need a headline like this
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.