Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”