Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.