If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!