him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.