[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver