Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited