what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Smile they said.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave